halrunkel
“You can waste… years, trying to get someone to give respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just… take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I’m sorry you feel like that and walk away.” (Lois McMaster Bujold, “A Civil Campaign”)
This is one of the hardest things about parenting, in my mind. And it seems like I’m not alone. We get emails every day from exasperated parents who are fed up with their children’s lack of respect. Here’s the truth:
You can’t control whether or not your kids show you respect. What you can control is whether or not you show it to your kids and whether or not you act respect-worthy. As with most parenting issues, this has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you.
Be the grown-up in every situation and then be confident enough to allow your child’s immature attempts at disrespect to fall off you like the tiny arrows of the Lilliputians in Gulliver’s Travels. After all, their barbs cannot hurt you without your permission.
So, instead of huffing and puffing with intimidation when they act disrespectfully, smile to yourself and remember that you don’t need their affirmation to know you are a good parent. Set simple and clear-cut consequences and follow up without taking it all personally.
You’ll be showing them what real respect looks like and you just might even earn some along the way.
Peace begins with a pause,
Hal
